my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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