I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
