I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Randomize
