all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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