I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
