I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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