You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
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you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
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we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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