I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
