Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
