All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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