I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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