You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
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