you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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