So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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