Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
