She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
