My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Couch. On fire.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
