I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
being pregnant is like rehab
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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