I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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