Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
