I want to walk on stilts...naked
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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