I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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