fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
