Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
