peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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