My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
