woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
