she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
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