chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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