Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
