Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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