he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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