No stitches, just platelets and will power
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
