moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
