3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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