woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I could fuck to npr.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
