i wish my penis had a tongue
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
