Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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