In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
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