I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
