dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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