Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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