well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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