Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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