Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
