it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
