I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Semen is not good for contacts.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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