Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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