lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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