quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
