And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
