I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
