GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
