Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
