I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
