foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
