she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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