life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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