I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
