Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
